Grief and Lies
by SheWroteTheWords
Summary: Written November 2013. Post series 8 finale: Clara realises that she wasn't the only one to lie when her and the Doctor parted ways.


Clara watched as the Doctor left, as the TARDIS dematerialised for what she thought would be the last time. She hoped to see the Doctor again and she hoped that she never would. He was her best friend, her entire life for a while. And now she had to start again and she knew how difficult that was going to be.

She felt his arms around her as though they were still there. She heard his words as though he was still speaking. "Hugs are just a way to hide your face." he had said and how true he had been. She had lied to him so much in that conversation and that haunted her right now.

She regretted it, in some ways and in many others she didn't. She was so proud of Danny, so proud of the decision he had made even though it broke her heart all over again.

She couldn't tell the Doctor the truth because she didn't want to leave knowing that he knew she wasn't happy. She wanted him to believe that everything was okay so that he could continue. The old fool was so sensitive no matter how he might act with it.

Clara had begun walking, grey building after grey building faded into one another. She barely noticed them, weaving through the mass of people in a daze that had nothing to do with her conscious thoughts, just naturally being able to work London.

The pain ran through her head and she wanted everything to stop for a moment. She was aware that everything had ended here, aware that she had to build up everything from the start again, aware that no one around her would understand that this wasn't just about Danny.

Tears formed in her eyes and she wanted to make them stop and she wanted to cry them all out. She wanted to be okay and she wanted to hide away and just scream and cry forever and a day. She had no control over any of it. She lied to the doctor but it was necessary. She did it because it was necessary. She wasn't a natural liar, not normally, but this had called for it.

She needed him to be okay, she needed him to think she was okay.

Oh no.

The realisation hit her like a ton of bricks and Clara froze in the middle of the street. There were a number of complaints from the people around her about suddenly stopping, but she barely registered them, they were just noise around her. Both her and the Doctor had done the same thing.

The Doctor wasn't okay.

The Doctor had wanted her to think that he was okay, that he was happy, that he was going home and he still had nothing. The Doctor was now completely alone, just like she was.

A hand flew to her mouth and she whimpered so loudly that she got a few looks. She took no notice of them though, she couldn't think, she couldn't breathe. Panic and pain ran through her and she couldn't calm down. He breathing got faster and faster like there was no air around her. She looked around but couldn't focus on anything, there was just a blur of light and colour.

Clara ran. She had no destination, no plan, no nothing, she just ran. She felt so hemmed in despite being in the street. She needed to get away, she needed to escape from everything. She needed distance. She needed Danny, she needed the Doctor. Tears ran in sprints down her face and she couldn't stop them or herself.  
Thump, thump, thump. One foot after the other hit the ground, faster, faster, faster. So fast that she couldn't think. There was only the blur, only the colour, only her breath. She knew she was going too fast, she was dizzy, everything seemed to spin around her. Everything hurt. She needed a hug, she needed them, she needed someone to understand and only they could.

She ran and ran and ran. Streets, and roads. Clara didn't look out for traffic or for people but somehow avoided them all, or maybe they avoided her. In her mind was only the graveyard, was Danny, were the Cybermen, were unit, was the Doctor, was the TARDIS. Everything jut spun and spun.

So fast. Faster. Faster. It was too much, too fast. She hit the ground before she was even aware of tripping. Her hands flew out automatically, her body acted to protect her even if she wasn't conscious of needing to. Her hands ended up scratched from the gravel of the ground and she made no attempt to get up.

Everything hurt. The pain in her hands and legs from landing seemed to be magnified by the pain in her chest and in her head. She needed to tell her that she knew. She needed to tell him that she understood. She needed him there.

Dazed was the only word to explain how she felt. Dragging herself to her feet, it was as though gravity was too strong, it tried to pull her back down. It tried to keep hold of her as though the earth wanted to hurt her as well as her mind. Or perhaps it was the earth trying to give her the hug she so desperately longed for.

She walked slowly now, almost conscious of every steps. The tears dried on her face. She had a mission. Someone in the back of her mind she knew where she was going, even if she couldn't consciously tell you. She walked and walked and walked.

The gateway woke her up to where she had been heading. The graveyard. The tall, imposing metal of the gates warned her away and she knew she should leave, but she couldn't.  
She pushed the door, it felt so heavy. Everything warded her away but she had to be here. She had to see him, she had to.

She headed in and looked around. The silence was eerie, nothing but the sound of the wind, no people, no traffic close by. Just her footsteps and the wind that whipped around and chilled her to the bone.

Clara stopped automatically when she reached the grave she was looking for and only a moment later she sunk to her knees.

"Danny Pink" She didn't need to read the rest, she didn't care for the engravement. How could you sum up a life and everything a person had done, everything that person meant in one line on a piece of stone? It was meaningless. Clara hated it. It meant nothing, it wasn't Danny.

Danny was alive. Danny was happy and sad and troubled and free. Danny was angry and pleased. Danny was a soldier and a teacher. He was a son and a brother and a boyfriend. Danny was so much more than any of this could ever mean.

"You lied to me"

The Scottish accent came from behind her but there was no anger in it. Clara nodded without turning to the Doctor. She didn't need to see him in that moment and he didn't need to see her face.

An arm wrapped around her shoulder from behind and Clara broke down again. The Doctor didn't hug. Never in this regeneration has he initiated a hug. She turned quickly, she buried her face in his chest and cried. She held on to him tightly.

"So did I" The Doctor told her.

Clara couldn't speak for a long while. "I know" She said eventually. "I know you did." She pulled back slowly and looked at him, the tears still running down her face.

"Do you want a break?" The Doctor ask her.

"From you or from here?" Clara asked.

"Either?" The Doctor replied. "Whichever will make you stop crying."

"From here. Get me out of here, please." She said. She let go, though trying to get to her feet was shaky. The Doctor pulled her up gently and carefully.  
"The TARDIS isn't far." The Doctor explained and they started walking. Clara took hold of his hand, she needed support and something as simple as holding a hand could be so helpful in that. It was a form of physical contact that silently told you that you were not alone.

"Why did you lie?" the Doctor asked, as they were walking.

"Why did you?" Clara countered.

There was no anger in any of their voices, they both sounded so tired, so angry. They both needed this, they needed a break, they needed some time. They couldn't make it stop hurting, but they could help each other.

They walked the rest of the way in silence. The Doctor opened the door and Clara stepped in. It felt like stepping into her home, more than her flat ever had done. Here she wasn't alone, here came with understanding and love and the peace she needed. Danny was still gone and that pain wasn't about to leave but at least now she didn't have to do it alone and the Doctor didn't have to deal with his alone.

Clara sat on the floor, near the door but facing the console as the Doctor moved over to it. He was quiet, setting coordinates but he didn't pull the lever to get them started.

"Clara?" his voice was a lot softer than she had heard it before.

"Yes, Doctor?" she said, looking at him.

"Can I show you Gallfrey?" he asked her.

Clara looked at him in confusion for a moment, then it hit her what he meant and she nodded. "Go on then." She said softly and the lever was pulled.

Clara dragged herself up once again and moved over to the console to join him. She leaned against it, and felt the TARDIS hum. That caused a small smile in her and she silently thanked the TARDIS for her support as well.

There was only a couple of minutes before the TARDIS stopped. The Doctor just stared at the door and didn't move. Clara looked between the door and the Doctor, even the TARDIS seemed to be distressed by this. She moved over to him, and slipped her hand into his. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"I do." The Doctor said. His voice was quiet and empty and lost.

"Only if you are sure." Clara said. "It is entirely your choice. You don't have to ever see it again if you don't want to."

"Yes I do" The Doctor snapped. "Don't you see Clara, I always have to see it. It is never going away and Gallifrey is never coming back."

Clara flinched slightly at the snap but just nodded. "Open the door then, if you need to see it again."

The Doctor nodded and pulled his hand from hers. He walked to the door with her just a step behind him. He walked confidently only to freeze when he got there. He looked back at Clara, his face saying 'I can't' though he was actually silent. His hand hovered on the handle, unmoving.

Clara placed her hand on top of the Doctor's and pulled on the door slightly. After just a moment, he joined her and together they took the weight of the door and what felt like the weight of the universe.

There was nothing there. Nothing but empty space. It should've been calming and peaceful, the sort of sight that reminds you how small you are and how much nothingness there is in the universe but it was the opposite. The knowledge that there should've been a planet there, that they should've been parked on the planet. That a great civilisation should've been in that exact spot made it horrific.

"Puts it into perspective." Clara said quietly and the Doctor turned to look at her. "Danny, I mean. It's so small and meaningless in comparison to this... He's one person, it's nothing this is... this is a whole world."

"No." The Doctor said and sat on the floor with his feet dangling over the edge of the TARDIS. He waited for Clara to join him and then continued. "No, Clara, it does the opposite." She looked at him but he only looked straight ahead. "This doesn't make Danny unimportant, this doesn't make what you are feeling unimportant. This shows its importance."

Clara couldn't understand how the Doctor felt like that. Millions, billions of people died on Gallifrey, Danny was just one. She was one person feeling the loss of one person.

"I don't feel the pain of losing a planet." The Doctor explained. "I feel the pain of losing people. People I loved, people I hated. I remember individuals every so often and I finally thought I had the chance to see them all over again and they aren't here. I grieve the individuals, Clara, not the planet."

"I just... It never stops hurting, Doctor" Clara said, quietly. "And I don't know sometimes whether I'm crying because he's dead or because of the way I treated him when he was alive..."

The Doctor didn't speak. He could tell that Clara had more to say, that she only stopped because she couldn't find the words. So he waited.

"I treated him appallingly, Doctor." Clara said. "Before we were together officially and after. I lied to him so much. I was a terrible girlfriend..."

Clara stopped then because she couldn't talk. She got too choked up by the tears falling down her face that words became impossible for her.

"I once told my father he was the worst excuse for a Gallifreyan since the days of Omega." The Doctor told her after a long moment of silence. "I told Koschei that if I never saw him again it would be too soon. I told my teachers that they were a waste of time a space. I lied to my mother about everything small and big."

He turned to look at her then. "When things are gone we question ourselves, we tell ourselves that we should've done this and that if they were alive we would do this, this and this differently. But we wouldn't, if we were going to we would've. We remember every single tiny thing we ever did wrong by them. And do you know what I've realised over the past 1000 years?"

"What?" Clara asked, somewhat brokenly.

"That's not fair on the person we have lost." The Doctor replied.

Clara looked down then, trying to think that through.

"We have a responsibility to those who pass to remember them. The cloud gave us false hope of an afterlife but I don't believe that, I can't believe that. When people die it is the end for them, but not for us. We have the responsibility to make sure they are remembered in the way they deserve." The Doctor explained. "Does Danny deserved to be remembered as a man who was lied to, who was messed around by his girlfriend?"

Clara couldn't speak.

"Or does he deserve to be remembered as a man who made a lot of mistakes and did all he could to put them right?" The Doctor continued. "A man who loved you with everything he had and was loved by you? Tell me, Clara, which does Danny deserve?"

Clara shook her head, hiding her face with her hands.

"Clara?" The Doctor pressed.

"The latter." She said her voice cracking on the words.

"Exactly." The Doctor replied. "Now, I'm not saying it's going to be easy, it's going to be one of the hardest things you go through. But you're strong Clara and you have to remember what he did and why he did it."

Clara nodded and wiped her eyes, though it was useless as more tears fell. "So will you." She told him.

He nodded as well, though all the usual strength and confidence was lost. "Perhaps."

"No, Doctor, I mean it, if I'm going to get through it so are you" Clara insisted. It was so much easier to be strong and confident when it was for someone else, she knew that. She had to be strong for him so that he could be strong for her.

"Clara..." The Doctor started, but he stopped because what was there to say.

"No one is expecting you to be okay." Clara told him.

"But I am okay." The Doctor replied. He continued before Clara could get in that it was obvious that he wasn't. "The majority of the time, I am completely and utterly okay. I am perfectly fine. I don't think about it consciously and then something happens and reminds me that it is always on the back on my mind."

Clara nodded, though the Doctor wasn't even looking at her. His eyes were burning into the empty space that had once been his planet. He was unblinking, unmoving, he stared as though he was physically unable to move his gaze from it.

"She made me think that I had it back." The Doctor replied. He didn't sound like he had a millennia of experience behind him, he didn't sound like he had lived and see everything. He sounded like a young child, lost, broken, not really understanding. "I truly thought there was no chance she could lie to me about that. Not this. We both knew how important it was. I should've known... I should've..."

The Doctor shook his head. "It was too good to be true, of course it was. Why was I ever STUPID enough to believe that it would just be here? That it would return to its normal position as though nothing had ever happened before. How could that ever be the case?"

He wiped his eyes. He wasn't crying, there weren't even tears in his eyes but he knew they were close and he couldn't let that happen. "I felt like I had lost it all, all over again. I thought I had them back. Clara, I have never wanted to go back to Gallifrey in the way I wanted to before I saw you again."

The Doctor buried his head in his hands shaking it over and over and over. "Gallifrey was a bad place. Gallifrey was corrupt and full of trouble before the time war even began, I hated it. It was a hindrance that I wanted to be rid of. I wanted to be without it. I wanted nothing more than to not see it and yet... Yet all I did was tell people that it was wonderful. I spoke about Gallireyans and Time Lords as though we were gods, as though we were the best that there was..."

"It's the same as Danny." Clara murmured, cutting him off somewhere. He looked up and turned his head to Clara. "You don't want Gallifrey to be remembered as you remember, so you mention it as you wish it has been. You remember the great, the powerful, the good and that's how people here about it. Because that's what you think Gallifrey deserves."

The Doctor nodded. "I lied to you. I'm sorry."

Clara shook her head. "Don't, Doctor."

"No, it's necessary-"

"No, it's not" Clara insisted. "Don't apologise because then I have to apologise and I can't because I'm not, Doctor. I'm not sorry. If I was never going to see you again, I would rather you left with the lie I had given you."

The Doctor nodded. "We are so alike, Clara. It scares me."

Clara nodded. "I always knew you had a low opinion of yourself but I realised just how much after Bristol." She managed a small smile. "I was so happy to be like you, to be able to do what you do and you were horrified."

"Being me is a bad thing." The Doctor replied. "You haven't' done what I have done, Clara and I pray you never have to. Ii understand and I won't apologise again for lying to you. But I have to apologise for something else."

"What is that?" Clara asked.

"I am sorry for giving you the option to leave the planet when we thought it was going to be destroyed." The Doctor replied. "I am sorry for even suggesting that."

"You tried to save me." Clara said.

"For all the wrong reasons." The Doctor said. He looked at his hands and then back at her. "I didn't want to save you just so that you would be okay, although that was a part of it. I wanted to save you because I wanted you to understand. I wanted someone to feel what I feel every single moment of the day. And Clara, I am so sorry for wanting to do that do you."

Clara nodded. "It's okay. God, we... we're a mess, Doctor. I need you."

The Doctor looked at her. "I am not someone to be relied upon, Clara, I'm scared that if you haven't learnt that now, you might never."  
"I think you need me as well." Clara told him, ignoring what he had just said. "I think we need each other because who else could possibly do what we do to each other and still end up feeling more supporting that I ever had in my life?"

The Doctor didn't know what to say to that, he was about to struggle out the words when Clara continued.

"Don't apologise for trying to save me and trying to hurt me, and I won't apologise for trying to lock you out of your TARDIS permenantly. Deal?" Clara asked.

The Doctor hesitated before nodding. "Deal."

Clara smiled just slightly at that. She felt better. Not perfect and not right but a lot better than before she had seen the Doctor again. "I don't want to go back home." She said softly.

"I do." The Doctor said, just as softly. "But you know what?"

Clara shook her head.

"We're already both home." The Doctor replied. "The TARDIS has always been my home, ever since I ran. And she is your home as well. And she will always be home for you."

Clara's smile broadened a bit at that. "Yeah. You're right. Doctor, let's get out of here."

The Doctor nodded and took her hand. They both got up, shut the doors and the Doctor set the coordinates.


End file.
